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I can't control the tears...I am so lost, so confused, so alone, so empty.



I keep shutting him out. The one that has been so good to me...the one that showed loved unconditionally, the one who is just ok with holding me...the one who picked me up off the floor.... I want him to see inside...I can't make him understand what I feel and hold within. It's too hard for me to show him love...because I don't really feel anything anymore...I am so numb and so quiet.



They tell me he's not my type, they tell me he just wants me for the wrong reasons, to take care of him and his kind...they tell me that its a big mistake, that what I have already is "good enough" and "better" and that I have to push through all the bad and make it work.



He says he loves me and keeps my mind clouded with hope, but I find his words mindless and not meaningful. He just doesn't want to be alone...but, then again...who am I to judge???



and the Preacher reminds me weekly of my sins and how marriage is forever....my forever ended long ago.



and now...I have to deal with some precancerous cells growing in my body....the same body that I'm so self conscious of ...the one I hate...and now I get to be reminded of how weak I really am.



I am going to drown.

COMMENTS

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LadyChordewa
23:09 Feb 12 2009

*hugs* Sounds like you need that.

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xXSeductiveXLustXx
05:03 Mar 19 2009

=(...Where are you?...I'm really worried about you girly...

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